Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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