dude i'm inner monologue high
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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