Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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