If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
