yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
