I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize