my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
