By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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