Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
