You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
