i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
