You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize
