Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize