I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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