I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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