I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
