Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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