omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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