I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
