You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
