My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
