Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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