If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
