just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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