new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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