uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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