Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
