Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
