My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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