I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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