I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
she told me i tasted like america
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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