Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
