I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
