we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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