Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
