I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
