Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
