i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
