yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She bit a glass in half.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
