you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
