It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
