no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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