my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
