I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
