We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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