apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
