There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
