i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
