3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
