In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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