In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
