Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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