your parents love me but you hate me
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
