Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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