So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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