I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
