she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
