Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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