So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Randomize
