You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
