Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
