Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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