I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
