HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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