The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
