Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
