everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
