Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
