you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
